The Subject Was Tomaters

Lanny Gilbert

"Sally, can you hep me with these tomaters?"

Janie yelled throught the screen door that opened onto to her sister Sally's porch. At that time, she was stumbling up the stack of cement blocks that passed for Sally's front steps and carrying a basket full of freshly gathered tomatoes. Janie, Sally's elder sister by 12 years, had been living with Sally for a while. Janie's husband Ed had passed away a few months back and Janie needed a place to stay. Sally insisted, so here she was.

"Lordy mercy, Janie. Come in this house. Here, lemme hold one side of that basket", Sally said.

Together, the sisters wrestled the basket through the doorway and sat it  down on the entrance porch.

"It's gotta be over 90 degrees," Janie said, removing her brightly colored sun bonnet and wiping the sweat from her forehead. "But, these tomaters won't wait for nobody and I ain't gonna watch 'em ruin out in that garden. I worked too hard plantin' 'em and keeping them ol'cutworms off of 'em to see 'em die now."

"Janie, why in the world did you try and do this yourself? You are too dang old to be out there in that hot sun gathering tomaters. They would've waited 'til in the mornin' when it was cool."

"I don't need you to tell me who's old and who ain't, little missy," barked Janie. "You're going on 60 yourself, so you won't be goin' to the prom anytime soon." Janie was prone to little outbursts like this, since Ed passed away.

Sally tried to just ignore her. "I'm just worried about you is all", she said. "You know Doc Butler said you had to watch out what you do because of that high blood pressure. Then first chance you get, you're out in the hot sun, picking tomaters that we ain't got time to fix today and takin' a chance on killin' your fool self. "

"Well," Janie said indignantly, stomping into the house. "So I'm a fool, am I? I think I'll just pack my stuff and get out from here. I know lots of folks from the Sunday school class that I can go live with. They'd be mighty happy to have me. They's lots of 'em with big gardens, a lot bigger than yours and I can pay my board helping gather the crops. So long, little sister. I'm off to see the world."

With that, Janie strode into her bedroom, began pulling clothes from the closet and tossed them on the bed. "Now where's that old suitcase?" she asked herself, looking around.

Sally just let Janie go. "She'll calm down in a minute" Sally said quietly to herself. "Lord knows, it's tough losing your man after 50 years. I let her plant that garden, which was probably stupid, but I did it. Anything to keep her happy. And now, Doc Butler says that she needs to take her medication to keep that blood pressure down and not to overexert herself. Then she goes and starts draggin' that old basket around full of tomaters. Well, I guess I better wash 'em up and put 'em in the fridge."

Sally walked into the kitchen, grabbed her biggest dishpan, and walked out to the porch. She started taking tomatoes from the basket and putting them in the dishpan. Sally reached into the basket to get another handful when she felt a painful sensation on the end of her right index finger. She immediately gave her hand a quick tug, but it wouldn't come out of the basket. She was afraid to reach in with her left hand to see what had hold of her, so she called for her sister. 

"Help, Janie, help!", Sally yelled. "Sump'm in this basket is bitin' me and I can't get my hand out. Oh, Lord. Help me!"

Janie came running and exclaimed, "What's wrong with you, a hollerin' like that and screamin' bloody murder?"

Sally yelled again. "Janie, what's in here? It's got my hand and I can't  get it out. Ohhh, it hurts. Help!"

Janie peered into the basket, moved a few tomatoes, and saw a rather large snapping turtle with her sister's finger in its mouth. The old turtle had dug into the bottom of the basket with his claws and wasn't going anywhere in a hurry. "Sorry, Sally", she said, trying to hold back her laughter. "You'll just have to wait until it thunders. Snappin'  turtles won't let go 'til it thunders is what Mama always told us. Oh, I can't stand it, HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Damn you, Janie", Sally yelled. "You put that turtle in there on purpose. Go get a gun and shoot this monster before it eats my arm off. And quit laughing. Ohhhh, it hurts."

"I didn't put him in there, he must've crawled in when I was picking the tomaters. Besides, we don't have a gun", Janie calmly replied. "Maybe I could yell "BOOM" real loud and the turtle would THINK it thundered and.. Oh, Lord..my side's hurtin' HA HA HA HA!"

"JANIE!! STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME!"

"Okay", Janie said. "Lemme get the hammer". Janie picked a hammer off of a nail driven into the nearby wall and started whacking the turtle on the head.

"Watch my fingers, you crazy woman", Sally said. "And hurry up. It hurts so bad. I'll probably have to get stitches and a rabies shot."

"Sally, turtles don't have rabies and I'm bein' as careful as I can", said Janie.

After Janie had whomped the turtle a few good ones, the turtle decided it needed to let go, thunder or not. Janie grabbed the turtle by the tail, picked it up out of the basket and carried it outside to let it go.

Meanwhile, Sally looked at her bright red finger and decided that she didn't need stitches after all and that she wouldn't start foaming at the mouth any time soon. She wasn't about to let Janie off the hook for laughing, though. Sally looked down in the dishpan, then at her sister as Janie walked back inside to hang up the hammer. Sally got a really evil looking grin on her face and picked up about 3 of those tomatoes.

When Janie turned around from hanging up the hammer, Sally let fly.

WHOP! Those three tomatoes hit Janie smack dab in the middle of her face and the juice began dripping down onto her clothes.

"What was that for?" Janie asked.

"That was for laughing and all that 'Maybe I could just say BOOM' stuff. Now, we're even", said Sally.

"Oh, no we ain't", Janie replied. With that, Janie picked up three or four tomatoes and squashed them in Sally's hair. "NOW, we're even", Janie said.

"So, it's war you want, is it?" Sally queried. "Well, it's war you'll get." Sally picked up some more tomatoes and winged them at her sister. Janie returned fire as hard as she could go.

Within a few minutes, the basket and the dishpan were completely empty. The two sisters, their clothes and the porch walls were covered in tomato juice. They looked at each other and their frowns turned to smiles.

"I love you, Sally", Janie said, as a big juicy glob of tomato fell from her hair to the floor. "I don't wanna leave."

"I don't want you to leave," said Sally. "Let's clean up this mess."

"BOOM!" said Janie.