Ten things I predict for 2008

Based on the response to my last list which suggested that I was being a bit too pessimisstic (gasp! and I thought I was being funny!). My dad once told me that it’s always EASY to predict disaster, as it’s a safe bet something lousy is going to come down the line. Malthus was a jackass. And this will be a more personal set of goals, like one of those … whatchacallits, a resolution list.

1. In 2008 monkeys will continue to make the news as they pour over many more of the Indian major cities overwhelming the populace who will be spending most of their time calling people on their cellphones to tell them about all the monkeys. I will recommend watching Aguirre the wrath of god, just so you can watch Kaus Kinski throw a monkey in his most inimical and defining manner.

2. In 2008 more of you will see Werner Hertzog movies. People will suddenly be compelled to watch Klaus Kinski throw a monkey. OR watch him command Amazonian natives as they raise a ship over a mountain, OR see chickens dancing - though, not with Kinski.

3. In 2008 when people see Kinksi throw the monkey they’ll hardly be able to control they selves. And monkey’s being scarce in the states, people will begin taking trips to New Dehli, Punjab, and other various Indian destinations in search of castable primates. Some folks will order them online, and burgeoning primate retail services will erupt across the nation. Purina will be able to bring back it’s famous monkey chow. And ESPN will carry much of the monkey throwing aesthetic competitions.

4. As a monkey throwing Aesthete (and athlete, perhaps) in 2008 many opportunities for employment and fame will, of course, follow. The most obvious of which is endorseable  monkey outfits, and brands of shampoos for the little beggars. Nascar will cease to exist once the monkey boom takes off, and monkey races, along with the actual monkey tossing itself will be all the rage.
Later in the year, monkey wrestling will become much bigger than the UFC/PRIDE championship fighting  - and folks will be encouraged to bet their hard earned bucks on little sluggers and grapplers trained by famous and infamous ring fighters like Kuzushi Sakuraba, and Ryan (the ear biter) Gracie, and Vanderlai (the axe murderer - i shit you not) Silva.

5. 2008 will also finally be the year of world peace. Largely due to the refound love of Klaus Kinski (his daughter Natasha) and monkeys. It all blends well together. Someone will take a nice photo of Natasha as she lounges nude with a monkey on her back. Next thing you know… boom… warring tribes in the Sudan will pause for reflection - wonder about the nonsense their petty gripes are based on and begin accepting the idea that the world does not care, that the universe has no meaning, and that there’s no divine correct way to behave.

6. In 2008 Natasha Kinsky (i’m reverting to the “y”) will be able to make a lot of dough, she’ll find lots of old pictures of her dad practicing his monkey tossing, and teaching her how to toss monkey’s too. The Japanese, ever sensitive to the world’s needs entertainment - wise, will snatch her up with a huge bundle of moolah, and create a hugely popular television show based around her Monkey tossing dojo. Other monkey tossers of lesser repute will come to challenge her on a weekly basis, and she’ll be able to shrug them off with one of her senpai’s skills. finally, however, near Nov. a very skilled master of the Kinski monkey throwing art will arrive…and wow everyone with his abilities… She’ll be forced to don her hakama, and pluck her eyebrows into fierce angled rays… and TOSS a monkey in such a manner as to cause unsuspecting people to gasp so deeply that it moves their bowels… passes kidney stones, and even causes a few petit mal seizures.

7. In 2008 a new body of work will show that ADD and ADHD were creations of drug companies intended to bilk an ususpecting spineless parent culture into buying millions and millions of dollars worth of their largely ineffective drugs.

8. In 2008 the most popular new high-tech novelty will be the CellPhone answering buddy - this slender little device can be attached to your cell phone to auto matically answer about 90% of your ‘hand holding’ calls.
The usual script will be sensitive to keywords, and be able to provide appropriate answers in your own voice. For example: say your girlfriend Erica calls:
Erica: hey how are you?
CPAB: (knowing it’s the first line and seizing on how) fine   and   you?
Erica: Great where are you right now?
CPAB: (second line with Where) heading to my car, where are  you?
Erica: oh, I’m just coming back from shopping at Target.
CPAB (seizing on the word shopping): Did you get anything good?
Erica: Did I?!

etc.

9. In 2008 as a result of the cellphone answering buddy a few folks will develope unnatural love affairs with a voice on a cell phone. These folks will complain that the phone answering buddy seemed to have more compassion for their lives than their actual friends did. It will suddenly be recognized that actual care and simulated care are difficult to discern and this will spawn some research into the area of artificial care. Many college age kids will subscribe to artificial care services, which are entirely safe and easy, and remarkably satisfying for the young folks to be able to divulge their lives to.

10. Did I mention world peace? It’s gonna be sweet.