by Laurie O’Hare

"Hello?"

"Bea, it’s me, Lucille."

"Well, hey girl. How ya doin?"

"Oh you know, same ole, same ole. What’s up with you?"

"I’m jus makin cookies for the bake sale tomorrow. Oh, wait, hang on a minute. CASEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE? WELL STOP IT, AND GIT DOWN FROM OFFA THAT TRUCK. YOUR DADDY WILL TAN YOUR HIDE. Okay Lucille, I’m back. Lordy, Lordy, I swear, sometimes that boy makes my asshole wanna dip snuff. Now then, what’s the news?"

"Billy Joe Monroe, Dep’ty Harding picked him up for bein’ drunk agin, and I mean, he was fightin’ drunk. Do you know what he did?"

"What Lucille, whad he do?"

"Well, Bea, he busted up Ole Pops’ store, then gave Dep’ty Harding a black eye, sure as I’m sittin here."

"Lordy, Lordy, will that boy never learn. Hey, by tha way, I was over at County Line Auction tha other day, and you shoulda seen ole preacher Boyd.  Seems he was tryin to sell one of them huntin dogs of his, and he was showin some ole boys how well that dog could tree a coon. Only tha dog couldn’t see no coon, so he wasn’t cooperatin. Ole preacher Boyd, you know how he is when he’s tryin to sell someim, he got down on his knees at tha bottom of one of them telephone poles, and jus like onea his dogs, he goes to howlin and barkin, and pretendin he’s tree’d a coon. Tha dog was just standin there, scratchin hisself and lookin bored. It was the funniest sight cha ever seen"

"That sounds like that crazy old cuss."

"But that ain’t the best part, Lucille. Some lady, she was drivin one of them fancy cars down tha highway, and there she see’s ole preacher Boyd actin a fool, treein imaginary coons, and she run plum offa tha road, and right inta tha ditch. She got outta that car and began cussin and screamin at tha preacher. I laughed so hard, I jus about split my liver."

"That is funny. I’da loved ta see that crazy fool’s face."

"Lucille, it was tha funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time."

"I bet. Wish I’da been there ta see it too. Oh yea Bea, you’re not gonna believe this."

"Yeah?"
"Last Tuesdy, Mary Jane’s sister, you know, the one who’s daughter was sent away for 9 months cuz she supposedly had tha mono?"

"Yeeeeah, mono my foot."

"Well, Mary Jane’s sister said she saw Rev’rend Parker givin Susie Walker comfortin last Tuesdy night, on a count her husband just ran off with that tramp that worked in Miss Sissy’s beauty parlor."

"So what Lucille, Rev’rend Parker gives comfortin ta lotsa people."

"Yeah, maybe, but he don’t usely do it at the Blue Swan motel, does he?"

"Whaaaat? You’re kiddin me? Poor Betsy. Pray God she never finds out. Ya know, she worked two jobs ta put that man through that fancy preacher school in Dallas. He should be ashamed of hisself."

"Speakin of lazy, no good cheatin husbands, I think my Hank has been steppin out on me……….. .Bea? Bea? You there?"
"Uh yeah Lucille, I’m here. Now uh what makes you think that?"

"Well, Gerty Norton told me she saw him up at the 76 Truck Stop up on Highway 59, and even though she said she didn’t get a real good look at the woman, she said he was definly with a woman."

"Really?……Uh…. Did she say what that woman looked like?"

"She said she was kinda heavy set, with short black hair….like you, Bea. She said if she didn’t know better, she’d swear it was you."

"Did she now?"

"Yep….that’s what she said. Now Bea, I’ve known ya a long time, but I have ta ask ya, an I hope you’ll tell me tha truth…. you been messin with my Hank?…….Bea? You been messin with Hank?"

"…………Naw, Lucille, you know I wouldn’t do that. Lordy, Lordy, I’m a good christian woman, you know that."

"Yea…..yea, I do. But Gerty swears it was you. I’m tellin ya now, if you are, I will beat you so hard, your future grankids will feel it, you can bet your ass on that."

"I know ya would Lucille, I know ya would. But you know I can barely keep up with tha man I got. Maybe he just hooked up with one of those women truckers I’ve seen up there lately."

"Yea, you’re probably right. Well, anyway Bea, I was gonna tell ya that Spencer’s Department Store is havin a sale. Tha other day, I got me the prettiest new dress, only I don’t know if I’ll be able to wear it this Sundy."

"Why not?"

"Well, you know how tha weather’s been. Warm one week, chilly the next. Why, last week it was colder ‘an a witch’s tit in a brass bra."

"Well, I wouldn’t worry, Lucille, that good fer nothin weather guy says it’s suppose ta been nice and sunny this weekend….an he’s right bout half tha time, so your chances are purty good. I gotta go, Lucille, my cookies are ready to come outta tha oven."

"Okay, Bea, guess I’ll speak ta ya Sundy at church."

"Yeah, I’m really lookin forward ta church now, considerin what ya just tol me bout tha Rev’rend and Susie Walker. Bu-bye now, Lucille."

"Bu-bye, Bea."

***

"Hank’s Garage, kin I hep ya?"

"Hank?"

"Yea? Bea? Is that you?"

"Yea, Hank, it’s me. Listen, if ya stick your finger in a rattlesnake’s mouth, ya can’t get mad when it bites ya."

"What tha hell does that mean?"

"It’s over Hank"

Click.